Q:

Hi Bobbi,

I have a Coach Bobbi question for you – I am a (soon to be) single mother of a 9 yr. old son who has a hard time sitting still and listening. He is careless, messy, and seems to get my negative attention a lot of the time. He is also very smart and has a wonderful heart. How can I learn to be more patient with him and more positive? I know my constant frustration with him shows, and I need to find a way to be more constructive with my feedback. I do teach him how to behave, and outside the home he is great. I think it is our relationship that needs the work. Thank you.

J.C. Texas, USA

A:

Hi J.C.,

Great to hear from you. What a wonderful mother you sound, wanting to better your relationship with your son. Firstly I acknowledge you in your awareness around this issue and the desire to turn it around. I'll break your question down into sections if that's okay.

He is careless, messy, and seems to get my negative attention.

How is this a problem for you? What are you getting or not getting because of this behavior? How do you want him to be? For what purpose do you want him to be like that? These are questions to ask yourself to enable you to understand the root cause of your feelings around this. I would guess that being messy and careless may not be the root problem, but it may be more about how and why it affects you. An example may be that him being careless and messy may leave you with a feeling of not having control. But by asking yourself these questions you will come to understand the reason it has this effect on you. The negative attention for your son I would guess may be coming from what effect this has on you.

Has a hard time sitting still and listening

You say that your son is great outside the home environment. It may be worth considering that your son may have come to expect what he would hear at home, so may be tuning out selectively. What does he hear from you the majority of the time? Is it something worth listening to, does it make him feel good? I really hear you on this part, JC, I experienced it myself last night. I found my daughter talking to her grandmother for an hour on the phone about everything that was going on in school and in her life. She's also 9 years old. I asked myself "why doesn't she tell me that?" and then I asked myself "do I give her the time and space to tell me that?".

I'd love you to try an exercise. For 7 days say nothing but positive things to your boy. Even if he does something negative, turn your language around. For example, "you didn't take the trash out today!" could be "remember that today is the day that you really help me by taking out the trash". Let me know how it goes!

How can I learn to be more patient with him and more positive?

Only by learning to be more patient and positive with yourself will you be able to be that with your son. It all starts and ends with self. If you give this first to yourself, it will then be reflected in your relationships with others. Be the change you wish to see in your world.

I know my constant frustration with him shows, and I need to find a way to be more constructive with my feedback.

I'm guessing, and I may be way off, but I think first and foremost you would be constantly frustrated with yourself and your life. I don't think it's your son, however he may be your sounding board. I would suggest looking further into your own frustrations, however is there anything you can do in the meantime to dispel this frustrated energy surrounding you? Exercise is a great release. In relation to your language around your son, your a smart woman. Reframe your words. As simple as that. Now, it may mean that you are initially stopping yourself before you speak to him, but that's a great start. An example of this is words such as 'stupid' can be changed to 'unresourceful', 'disappointed' to 'underwhelmed' and 'I hate' to 'I prefer'. You'll be amazed at how less intense your own emotions are when you use less emotional words. It's fun to do.

He is also very smart and has a wonderful heart.

I can clearly see that you are a wonderful mother who very much loves and appreciates her son. We all do the best we can possibly do with the tools that we have at any given time. You now have some new tools, and because you are coming from a place of love for your son, I trust that you will take this on board and create an even better connection between the two of you. By the way, tell him often that he is very smart and has a wonderful heart!

JC, thanks so much. I hope this has been of some assistance to you. Mother's tend to place an awful lot of pressure on themselves, remember who you are at core, a loving, committed mother with good intentions. From your question it is so obvious that you only want what's best for your child and are committed to being the person he needs you to be - who could ask for more?

Kind regards,

Bobbi.

What Is Your Focus Today?

There was a man who had a great tumor on his back. This man would not acknowledge the tumor. Because it was on his back he couldn’t see it, so it wasn’t there right? But that didn’t work. Even though he couldn’t see the tumor he could feel it and he ran and ran to try and get away from it but all the while it was still there, that great big tumor on his back. This man didn’t want anything to do with this tumor! He didn’t want to admit it was there! If he tried to hide it from his eyes or run from it, surely it would go away, he could get away from it?

The man was in such turmoil that he prayed to God for some assistance. He prayed so hard one night for help in removing this tumor from his back.

The next morning he woke up. He really woke up. Everything looked different. The man realized that the only way to remove this great big tumor from his back was to acknowledge the tumor was there. He had to own the tumor, realize the tumor was his to deal with.

By owning the tumor the man then realized that he had the power to do with the tumor whatever he wanted. He made an appointment with his doctor, and slowly after working through several doctors visits, a few operations and some pain and discomfort later he was able to release the tumor he had so longed to release. He was able to go on to live a happy life.

The moral of this story? Own the things that make you, you. Whether they be negative or positive. In the case of owning something negative, you are then taking responsibility for an action or behavior. You are owning it, therefore have the power then do what you wish with it. Blaming things on your outside world will not allow you the freedom and joy of releasing the problem, owning and taking responsibility, will.

You can not rid yourself of an a negative characteristic unless you own that characteristic in the first place. By not owning the behavior and by trying to push it away from you, you are in effect like the man in the story running from his own tumor.

Acknowledge and take ownership for your actions, find a way to deal with them, the release and freedom will follow.

Roberta Price ©

Hello, my name is Bobbi Price and I am a Life Coach and Director of Liberty Inc, which incorporates Liberty Life Coaching. Liberty is based in Sydney, Australia however coaches clients from all over world via telephone. It is my utmost desire for us all to realise our own greatness and the potential that lies within us. To know that the world truly is a magical place and anything can be made possible through an awareness of what we are focusing on, what our beliefs are and living by our values.

I'm thrilled to be a part of the Dancing Dingo family and a contributor to their wonderful site. Dingo is a truly unique company that is committed to natural beauty and well being on all levels, mind, body and spirit. I am a huge fan of the Dingo products and love their texture and fragrance. Using these products is a wonderful way to nurture and nourish yourself on a daily basis.

I'll be here to answer any of your questions from a Life Coaching point of view on life, relationships, career, money, health and so much more! Just Ask Coach Bobbi! All you need to do is send me an email to lifecoach@dancingdingo.com. Questions and answers will be posted on this page, however your anonymity is assured as you are welcome to use an alias or nickname.

I'll also be sharing any insights, stories and learnings that I've come across along the way.

During my experience as a Life Coach, I've come across many people, male and female, from all over the world. They are different in many ways, yet there is one thing that I come across consistently in each and everyone of them. These people are magnificent human beings, they've just been so busy with their 'life' they have forgotten this, or not come to learn it as yet. At Liberty, it is our desire for you all to uncover your own amazing self worth, your own magnificence. So, after life coaching, the common theme in my clients then becomes a transformation into self awareness of their own greatness. This is Liberty's wish for you, too!

Read how our clients have come to know their own greatness at Liberty's Testimonials page. If you would like to know more about me, I welcome you to visit my website at Liberty Life Coaching

Until we speak, I wish you to know & own your greatness!

Bobbi.

Bobbi Price
Phone: +61 2 4573 2865
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